How to Know When Your Man is Checking Out
A rocky relationship can occur like an out of control spiral as
both partners feel helpless to get a solid grip on what’s going on.
Over time men and women will “check-out” of the relationship
when they don’t get their needs met. This process unfolds
differently for each gender. When there is struggle a man tends
to quietly shut down or move away. Sometimes he will initiate a
plan of action to repair the situation and then won’t follow
through. When a man pulls back or doesn’t follow through on his
remedial plans the woman in his life begins to think he doesn’t care.
Here are some common signals that your man is avoiding dealing
with what, for him, feels bad in the relationship:
1) Your man begins to spend an excessive amount of time in
front of the television.
2) He begins to spend a lot more time with his friends (or more
time alone) than he does with you.
3) He is consistently spending more time at work than is necessary.
4) He seems to be developing one or more addictions. He may be
consuming large amounts of food and gaining a lot of weight. He may
be drinking alcohol more frequently. You may notice an increased
prescription pill use. He may be developing some other addiction of
which you are suspicious but which you can’t quite put your finger on.
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For The Women:
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If you want to have your man stay engaged so that your relationship
moves through breakdown into breakthrough try this:
Firstly: Check in with yourself and get clear on what you are
committed to with your guy. Are you certain you are committed to
having a nurturing, healthy relationship? If so, awesome, because
this is absolutely do-able. There is no fooling the universe,
however, so your true commitment will be reflected in your results.
Secondly: If you are committed to your relationship moving forward
this is the place to start before doing anything else. Here it is:
Drop all justification for any righteous point of view you’ve been
holding onto.
Thirdly: Objectively look at how you have been behaving. Have you
been critical? Have you been sarcastic? Do you complain about your
circumstances often? Do you find yourself angry at him most of
the time?
Here’s what you need to know.
1) All men are very sensitive to a woman’s expression of dissatisfaction.
Men respond perfectly to a woman’s feelings and the predictability
of this mechanism is truly remarkable.
2) In the real world here’s how it plays out – when a woman is
dissatisfied her man feels that on some level he has failed. The
disempowerment of failure is so uncomfortable for a man that he will
do anything to avoid it, including pulling away from the situation.
3) The problem for couples is this – women are not hardwired in the
same way as men so women don’t see the big deal about expressing the
good, the bad and the ugly. Given some time, the bad and the ugly
can quickly take center stage which begins to spell disaster for a
man because he thinks on some level it’s all his fault that you aren’t
happy. So the question for you as a woman is: How have you been giving
your man the message that he is failing with you? Consciously or
otherwise?
If you really want him to spend more time with you, the first and
most important step is to shift your attitude and your energy before
you go looking for other possible solutions to what you perceive as
the cause of the breakdown.
How do you shift your attitude toward him and your relationship?
1) Look in your life for everything that you are grateful for and
share it with him (the sharing part is the key so please don’t
leave it out).
2) Take some time to deliberately focus on the qualities he has
that you truly appreciate. Begin to share your appreciation with
him often (again, this makes no difference if you keep it to
yourself).
The most difficult part about getting started is putting aside
your justifications for your own point of view for now. It all
boils down to what you are most committed to. As a woman, you have
absolute power to transform how it goes between you and your man
simply through your approval of him.
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For The Men:
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Women will often tell you what they don’t want before they tell
you what they do want, and this is easily misinterpreted as her
being fundamentally dissatisfied with the relationship. It’s not
so much dissatisfaction, however, as it is that she doesn’t feel
safe expressing her desire in a free and straight manner.
The trick is for you to not take this apparent dissastisfaction
personally and then start pulling back from her. Your woman is
complex and because she often has her attention on several things
at once, this sort of ongoing visceral reaction to her mostly goes
unnoticed. There are two things for you to do here:
1) Tell her what feels bad for you in the relationship. It probably
won’t be easy, but she may not see it unless you speak up. She has
a lot of things claiming her attention.
2) Take her lack of clarity about what she wants, and her resultant
seeming dissatisfaction, as a signal that there is something for
you to do…namely, help her get clear on what she wants and then
deliver it. Be her hero.
Now go Celebrate a Man…Win with a Woman!
Comments
Thanks again for a great article. This is what I needed to hear right now. I’ve done some courses on relationships, and I’m realizing that this is what I was being told to do. I just wanted to fast-track the process and so I give him direct feed-back, which has not worked.
I look forward to reading your future blogs. I am a TSS student too by the way. I hope to meet you both at the Reunion:)
this is the typr of excellent advice you find out when it’s too late. we all need to read more of these ideas (truths)! thanks
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