She Wants More Intimacy and He Doesn’t…Could This Mean He’s Gay?
The following post from a public forum came to my attention the other day. It is written by a woman who is expressing her frustration over the fact that she and her husband haven’t had sex in four months. Here’s what she said:
“I think we all get the ‘I’m too tired,’ line, and its pissing me off. It’s been too long…we haven’t had sex since March. He’s ALWAYS ‘too freaking tired’. Too tired to help with the dishes, too tired to play with Mason, too tired to put his clothes away, too tired to take the trash out. BUT never too tired to play Diablo 2 or CounterStrike until the wee hours of dawn. Four out of seven nights he actually sleeps on the couch because he was ‘too tired’ to come to bed. I’ve tried almost everything I can think of to get some…he’s not interested . Help? I’m starting to think he’s gay.”
This scenario is more common in husband-wife relationships than you realize. We often don’t know what’s going on with men mostly because they don’t have the same ability to articulate their feelings that women do. Without talking to these people we don’t really have the whole picture but what I notice in these instances is the immediate pull to a diagnoses of clinical depression. Why? Because at first glance it seems a good fit and it’s logical. I’m going to introduce something new to consider from the point of view of gender. I am not saying this is what’s going on with this couple because I haven’t spoken to them. I am simply offering one possible explanation.
A couple of things we know for sure about men: A man does well when he has purpose in his life and when he is appreciated for what he does. On the other hand he is affected adversely when either of these are missing.
One thing about you as a woman is that when it comes to desire… you “want what you want, when you want it and who you want it from”. Any one of these variables can (and do) change in a heartbeat to create a whole new set of circumstances and experiences. You thrive on variety. This in itself isn’t a problem for you. It’s a problem for you when you have the experience of continually not getting your needs/desires met whatever they may be…and as I said …they are in a state of flux…constantly changing and evolving.
He on the other hand, lives in the straight forward domain of “I’m winning” or “I’m losing” and his physical and mental well being is literally given by his track record at “winning”. You are not at all like this so you may even have a hard time hearing what I am saying to you. Oh…and another thing is that you really have no say in what a “win” is. He’s the only one that can be the judge of that.
In a man’s world it really is this simple. Don’t believe me? Just ask any guy. He’ll tell you. They oscillate between taking the win and avoiding the loss. Real simple. This is a good thing by the way. Why? Because it’s what makes men predictable, grounded and able to produce results in the world. This is the perfect compliment to the energy of a woman.
As a man’s life occurs to him like a chronic series of losses he begins to shut down. When a man experiences burn out it’s often not because of what seems obvious like hard work or long hours at the job. What really gets to him is the lack of feedback that tells him he’s a success at what he is doing.
One manner in which a man can experience chronic loss is in the quality of energic connection he has with the significant woman in his life.
Here’s the bottom line when it comes to men and women:
1) A man wants to make his woman happy. When his woman is chronically unhappy, dissatisfied or sick, although he knows he might not directly be the cause of this it affects him as a loss.
2) A man wants to be appreciated. How will he know he is appreciated? When he is told he is. I know…right about now the women reading this are going wild…”What about me! Don’t I need to be told I am appreciated too?” A couple of things about that:
a) Getting mad about it is not going to get you anywhere.
b) Women don’t need it in the same way, and we’re talking about a man here …not a woman. This is an instance where the apples-oranges conversation really applies.
When a man is in a chronic “no-win” state with his woman here’s what it looks like:
First he gets confused and with a bit of time will begin to “tune out”. He stops listening and even when he seems to be, you (his partner/wife) get the sense that he’s not even there. He starts doing or saying things that leave you wondering what planet he’s on.
He stops doing things around the house. He goes to work, comes home and settles on the couch for the night. He either watches a lot of television or plays video games. Drug and/or alcohol use can increase… he may begin to gamble excessively. This usually doesn’t happen over night and may take years to get to this point. He seems like he’s lost and in a very real way, he is. (I find it fascinating that all of these behaviors are considered signs of depression.)
Is any of this behavior justified? No, to you (his partner/wife) it’s not. In seeing any of these behaviors, you likely feel like saying, “Hey …buck up. I work full time, come home, make supper for everybody, put the kids to bed and get to look forward to doing that all over again and again and again. Get your act together…if I can do it you can too.”
Here’s the deal…he can’t do it the way you can.
Although we both have two legs and one head, men and women are designed very differently for some very good reasons. Right about now you may be saying, “I know this” yet you will likely agree that in cases like these when the chips are down “knowing” hasn’t made much of a difference for you. Women get angry and say, “Why is it always us that has to understand and compromise?” and that’s a very good question. (A great topic for a future blog.)
A man can feel a woman’s disapproval on an energic level and disapproval has a huge effect on him. Disapproval affects a man’s physical and mental well being and can literally bring him down at the knees at home and at work. (Mark my words, we’ll soon be noticing increased research in this area because of it’s huge cost to business.)
There is a notion in the world that all a man cares about is sex and that’s not accurate. When a man is deliberately avoiding sex, however, he is usually avoiding some sort of a loss. When a man stops caring about anything…again, he is likely avoiding some sort of loss.
I doubt very much your guy is gay and I’m sure you said that to convey your frustration and yes…it’s very frustrating to be around a man when he is shutting down. I believe we are going to see more of this than we’ve ever seen in the past.
So who is to blame? Nobody is. We attribute this type of a breakdown to a fundamental lack of awareness regarding the opposite sex. Most of our current understanding falls short because it is based on what it is to be human rather than what it is to be a Man or a Woman.
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Comments
This was a very interesting post, the question I have is what, as Women, can we do to help a Man when he is in this sort of state of chronic loss?
Thanks for the question Teresa.
When a man is in a state of chronic loss the best thing a woman can do to support him is set him up for wins. In other words, be approving and appreciative. Find something in whatever he does that you genuinely appreciate. Even if he does something other than what you wanted or expected him to do there is always something you can appreciate – the effort, the creativity, that he was thinking of you for example. Appreciation, especially from women, is what motivates men.
To be really effective, this sort of appreciation is more than than just saying, “Thank you.” Construct it like this: Thank you for (whatever he did) + how it made you feel. He likes your appreciation, but he will move mountains if he knows how to make you happy. For men, that’s his biggest win of all – making that special woman in is life happy.
If you want him to do something different, just tack a simple request on the end of the structure mentioned above. For example, “Thank you for taking me out tonight. I love spending time together. Maybe next time we could go to that new restaurant downtown.” If he expresses doubt, like mentioning how expensive it is, just show him you believe in him by saying something simple like, “I know you’ll figure it out.” The wheels will start turning as he figures out how to win with you again.
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