Why Do Men Buy Sex?
In the December 2008/ January 2009 of Scientific American Mind I read an intriguing article written by Nikolas Westerhoff called “Why Men Buy Sex?”.
It seems the high numbers of men that buy sex has made prostitution an interesting field of study for psychologists and researchers. A fascinating notion that Westerhoff points to is that whatever the numbers, psychologists are becoming hard pressed to chalk it all up to pathological behavior . The closer I look it becomes obvious to me that this area can be a complex and sensitive one.
Never mind men and sex. I’m still considering the concept of “pathology” and I’m noticing I’m getting very nervous. Here’s why. As I consider the term “pathology” my focus shifts to what this term means and then to the circumstances or events that would make anything pathological. My chest tightens as I see several threads of reasoning branching out and now I feel caught in what occurs as three entangled balls of wire called perspective, judgment and morality.
Early on in his article, Westerhoff sites culture researcher Sabine Grenz of Humboldt University Of Berlin whose work suggests that “johns” (a popular term used for men who patronize prostitutes) are postmen, stockbrokers, teachers, fathers, priests, husbands and law enforcement workers. In other words they are men who come from all socioeconomic classes and represent all marital status.
So, why DO men buy sex? Although we could easily do it, one does not really have to get caught up in the complexity of morals, judgment or side taking. Let’s look at this from the simple and natural laws of gender
Why am I drawn to this perspective? The answer is simple - it puts the focus on a mechanism that has huge workability and offers substantial leverage for acceptance and understanding.
Here goes…
Firstly, men are attracted to what has them feel good and sex feels good. One (and there are several) of the reasons sex feels good to a man is that it relaxes him and is one of the ways he releases tension to reset and focus.
Secondly, men are hard wired to succeed at everything they do. When a man pays for sex it ensures he succeeds in not only getting sex but he can easily succeed in getting it how he wants it.
Thirdly, a prostitute’s intention is to be paid for her services and likely she appreciates him as her client. A man likes it when a woman is pleased with him and it feels good to him when he is appreciated.
Fourthly, a man gets to experience a connection and a certain level of intimacy with the woman he pays to be with without the obligation of having to maintain the relationship and all it entails.
Fifth, a man will likely not be made wrong by the woman he is paying money to. Rather their mutual agreement frees him from worry about any unspoken conditions that he must meet and risk being judged for.
There are more points to add to the list but I am interested in what our male readers have to say about the question, “Why Men Buy Sex?”.
Are you a man who has paid for sex and would like to share your opinion or are you a man with an opinion about why you think other men pay for sex? We’d like to hear your comments.
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Comments
I am fascinated by this article as well, because it seems to me that many men are not being nurtured to become their best. I am afraid that my husband is getting way too much criticism from me, and reading this blog reminded me that he needs my support, not criticism. How then can I encourage him to change? Do I have to back off and trust that he will change? I can see that he has regressed in a number of areas in our 14 years together and I want to learn how to inspire his growth.
Thanks for the great, thought-provoking article.
Firstly, I want to say welcome to our blog and thank you for your post Jacqueline.
You say your husband has regressed in a number of areas in your 14 years together and you’d like to encourage him to change. Men can tend to get into a groove where it’s comfortable. I would like to point out that comfortable for men is not the same as comfortable for women. It also doesn’t mean “he doesn’t care”.
Men are very cautious when it comes to change. In fact change is downright risky, and it’s one of the things men are most suspicious of when it comes to being in relationship with women. In interviews with men, their stories about women wanting them to change are consistent. Most of them say an automatic response mechanism kicks in and they begin to back up. Although this backing up can take many different forms (it appears complex) the “feel” of what’s at the source is consistent (it’s actually simple).
For starters, the subtle message he gets at the beginning of a “change” conversation is that he’s already failed - otherwise why would you want him to change? Makes perfectly good sense right? Secondly, change into what? For a man, no clear destination spells the beginning of failure.
You probably have some good ideas on what you’d like the end result to look to like (after all, you’ve had fourteen years to consider this
), but he needs to be crystal clear on the destination too…how he’s going to get there and that there will be a satisfied woman waiting at the end (or something that HE values and considers well worth taking the journey for). By the way Jacqueline, that was the condensed answer to the question, “How do I inspire a man?”.
So women, if you’re man seems to be in life uninspired, consider that it’s not personal to him. In other words, consider that the qualifiers, “He’s just lazy”, “He doesn’t care”, “He can’t”, or “He won’t” are not accurate and not really at the source of his lack of movement.
Let’s continue this thread. Please enter a comment, and let us know what you think.
Since writing the first comment, I had the pleasure of interviewing you both on my Parenting Expert Teleseminar Series. Your work is very powerful, and between reading your blog and listening to you on the call, I have been able to make a huge change in our relationship. I have focused on recognizing everything I appreciate about my husband. I’ve been amazed at how quickly we’ve gone from being in a funk to reconnecting.
I’ve also been humbled by how important it is for me to stay focused on what he is doing right. I realized that we were in a funk, but it wasn’t until we had a heart-to-heart that I realized how much pain he was in from my criticism. I am amazed too by how little I needed to change in order to get us back on track.
Thanks so much Jason and Donna! You’re work is so important and so easy to apply, once I got the paradigm shift! I would love to see every couple out there have the benefit of your work.
Thanks Jacqueline. That’s why we do this - to give people the tools to “get back on track” and live the lives they deserve and want. Too often, relationships seem to be about struggle, so we hope that by reducing the struggle between men and women, people can spend more time having fun with each other and creating their lives together. Thanks for your comment Jacqueline.
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